why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize