If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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