I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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