9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
