I cut my penus on the lid.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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