if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
