No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
