i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
