My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
