yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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