Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
