Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
