My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
