sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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