This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
