Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
