You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
