I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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