Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
