my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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