hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize