I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
