my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All the doctor said was why
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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