he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
