false alarm. still invincible.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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