I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
