There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
