As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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