a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
