I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just invented taco cereal.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
