May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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