You can't special order awesome
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
