my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have aggressive nipples.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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