she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
