OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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