I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
