he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize