Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
