Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
