she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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