New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
