she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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