so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
