I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
