She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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