btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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