He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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