Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
