but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
