im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
