I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
