just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
