i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
