i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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