see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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