Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
