someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize