Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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