I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
