I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
