Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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