Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
