if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
