How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
