She's JV to your varsity
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My vagina is officially offended.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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