I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
